Resolutions are very worthwhile things to make around the turn of the year but honestly, they’re hard to keep and what I think I want now might not be what I want by December. So instead, I have decided to make one resolve – to give 10 less f*cks this year. And here they are:
1. Living a “normal” life
Normal sucks ass. I hate normal. I will no longer permit tedium, monotony, or staying in one spot for lengths of time because anyone thinks that’s the “right” thing to do. I don’t want a fancy car because my neighbour has one, I don’t need a designer handbag because that’s what “normal” 30-year-old women have. I want a life that is constantly surprising me, ever-changing, requires the excitement of adapting and learning something/somewhere new, and is as far from today’s societal definition of “normal” as I can get. F*ck normal.
2. Traveling has a place in “priorities”
No it bloody well does not. Travel is the most important thing. It should not, and MUST not be avoided for any length of time, nor any reason. Some dude without legs just climbed Everest for f*cks sake. People will give you lots of stupid reasons you “shouldn’t” travel – “you don’t have the money right now, what about all those new apartment furnishings you bought, what about your 401k, you need to be home for that big dinner I’m having.” Close your yap traps people, I don’t want to hear it. Traveling is unavoidable and absolutely essential unless you want me to spontaneously combust all over that big dinner you planned.
3. First world travel advisories
Travel advisories made by first world countries are stupid. The are written by people who read blanched, brainwashed media bullsh*t and then pass it on to others. Cuba is dangerous? Compton is more dangerous than Cuba and I don’t see Los Angeles on your “do not go” list.
There will always be f*cko’s in this world and they will take advantage of you. I shall not only take the compliment that I am worth taking advantage of, but I shall bless them and send them on their way, even when they screw me over. This goes for liars, cheats, scammers, unscrupulous business people, and morons.
5. Carbs are bad
I like bread. Bread is f*cking delicious. In fact, the Trader Joe’s hand-rolled pretzel bread takes it to a whole new level. Letting a carb past my lips will not make me fat, or undesirable, or die in a cave of shame. I can buy bread and eat bread if I want to and when I go to Oktoberfest, I shall eat a pretzel the size of my head and cackle with glee.
6. Pledging allegiance
I pledge allegiance to the united Denea of Planet Earth. F*ck country borders, flags, currencies, leaders, we are one world and everywhere has it’s great bits and its shit bits. America has a lot of f*cko’s, so does Australia, and every other place on earth but around the globe there are lot of wonderful people too. I don’t pledge allegiance to anywhere in particular and this whole “borders” crap.
7. My outfits have to match
No they bloody well don’t! If I get dressed in the morning, look in the mirror and think “you go girl” then I’m walking out the door, period. If you want everything to match then good for you, that’s part of your style, I might have my own. If I feel comfortable and beautiful in my own skin and attire then I’m gonna rock the heck out of it and don’t try to tell me I shouldn’t.
8. Pretending I like something
Our tastes change with time and experience. For example, American Country Music was fun for a little while, kind of like how big nights out at clubs are fun for a little while until they f*ck you up and you can’t stand them anymore. Well, that happened to me at the last country music shindig I went to and now I don’t want to hear your twang, banjo, or anything about cold beer, Southern girls, or trucks.
9. New language embarrassment
I’m currently learning Spanish, and before that I was working on French. If I come to your country and I try to speak your language, pat me on the back, chuckle at the fact my pronunciation made the word “duck” into the word “hemorrhoids” but encourage me to keep going because it’s out of appreciation for your language that I’m trying. And on my end, I shall do my best to converse as much as possible in a new country’s lingo and not be embarrassed – I’m trying!
10. People who can’t see a vision I might have
We are each given our own eyes of the soul. Some see skyscrapers where other see meadows, some see meadows where others see skyscrapers. Each of our own internal views are different so I shall no longer give a f*ck if anyone can’t see what I can see. The rainbow exists and the dog and other animals who can see it are awesome for being able to do so, the other dogs can well, eat sh*t.
And one bonus f*ck I don’t give – 11. I should be “further along in life” than I am
Says who? Sure lots of my friends are married, many have kids, some run multi-national companies but I’m not them, I’m me, and my own series of choices, events, and experiences has led me to right where I am and right where I am is perfectly fine. If I want something then I will make it happen, thank you very much.